I have been reading a book called Scared Straight to Success by Rusty Lackey and I just realized that I do not trust anyone or anything.
My life never works out because I don't trust that it actually will. I don't trust anyone in my life fully. I have always kept myself guarded to a point of not being hurt and yet I hurt myself daily by not even trusting myself.
Here's the thing; if you have been hurt in such a way that you don't trust a sole, chances are you were hurt when you were very young. I have been hurt since I was brought into this world by my birth parents as well as the parents who raised me. I have been hurt by a sibling as well as a lot of people who have been around me; from friends to boyfriends and a husband. I have had hurt all around me my entire life.
We learn when we are very young how to protect ourselves and how to survive. I have definitely survived but I have been hurting my own self along the way by not trust anyone including myself. Isn't that crazy? Think about what has been happening in your own life for a minute....what have you learned that made you decide to protect yourself? What has not been going your way because of the declarations you have made for yourself?
As I have been reading this book things about me have been coming up; a lot of it is from my childhood when I made decisions for myself to survive. I have become my own worst enemy not realizing what I have been doing. I am a very smart loving woman who has been cutting my success short. I have allowed my body to be sick so that I could keep myself away from disappointment and yet I am disappointed with my body. I have dummied myself down so people around me never feel like I am better than them or rubbing their face in it. I have kept myself in the shadows desperate to shine because I am afraid of losing people who are so important to me.
I have created the family who is in my life today; I no longer have contact with the family I was raised in so I have created my family through friends. With that being said I hold on dearly to these wonderful people; I make sure my son is happy so he never leaves, I try to be available to my friends when they need me no matter what to ensure they will always be in my life. We don't realize how much we get screwed up when we are brought up into families that destroy everything in their path.
I was an innocent child growing up in a major dysfunctional family; thank God that the parents who brought me into this world did not raise me, I am grateful for the parents who did. However, they had their own crazy going on and I made many decisions when I was young to protect myself. I was just a young innocent child trying to survive a crazy life that was molding me to be this adult who has deep rooted baggage that keeps coming up.
Today I realized I still don't TRUST; after all the work I have done on myself thus far I still don't TRUST anyone or anything including myself. I never trust that I will succeed, I never trust that I am worthy, I never trust that I can release this weight, I never trust that I can breathe easy, I never trust that I will be able to attain any goals that I have for myself. I have been keeping my own self back because of this little yet big word TRUST!!!!
What is it that keeps you back in your life? What is it that keeps you hiding in the background when you know deep down to your toes you are supposed to be up on that big beautiful stage? I even realize that my first husband that I thought I was so in love with and pined for even after the marriage, I deserved. I felt so bad about myself that I had been rejecting a man I am married to now because I felt he was too good for me and I deserved less. God has put this beautiful sweet man in my life and I felt so bad about me I spent years keeping him at bay and yet he is still here loving me every day.
Today is one of the greatest days of my life; I have answered the question for myself that I have been longing for. Isn't it true when the student is ready the teacher will come? Today I am going to breathe in deep and start taking the steps I need to step into my greatness and stop living in the shadows of what can be; I am going to make it WHAT WILL BE. Anything that I do I do well and scare myself out of it. Today I will stop and break through the barriers that scare the daylights out of me. What will be, will be; if it's not meant to be it won't.
I leave you today with this last thought; keep looking for the answers no matter what, if it hurts keep going, if it offends keep going, you are so important to find the answers you seek. The answers are always in front of you, you just have to open your eyes and TRUST.
I love you all so much; until we meet again my friends...
With all my love, Rita.....